
Fifty-four times, live, someone has asked me a question beginning with “Why do I…?” on the theme of love. Here is what I saw, and what I answered.
Why do I find it so hard to let myself be loved?
Why am I still waiting for my beloved?
Why do I run away as soon as it gets serious?
Why do I say I don’t want a partner, when I’d actually love one?
These are the audience’s questions.
Each time, I do the same thing. I have the person breathe, I connect with their body and their emotions, and I read the unconscious structures. Then I say what I see, as gently as I can. And very often, the tears come…
Perhaps you, too, are asking yourself one of these fifty-four questions. If so, what follows is not a theory. It is what these sessions have shown me, gathered into a few great themes.
💞 Who falls in love with whom?
I’ll start there, because almost nobody knows what it is. One participant told me: a beloved is someone caring, who listens, who shares my life. I told her: that’s not it at all, my darling. That is the intellectual idea of love, the one that comes from films and programs.
Falling in love is far simpler and far stronger. I meet someone and there is a kind of lightning bolt, through a glance, through the voice, through a hug. I think about him all the time. I want to be with him all the time. And it wasn’t me who decided…
Yes, this is the point I repeat in almost every session: it is not the person who falls in love. It is being falling in love with being, through two bodies. When I love, I open a portal in my heart.
“It isn’t ‘my’ love; it is Love coming to incarnate through my body and through my heart.”
And since there is only one being, love is always mutual, by its very nature. I don’t need to wonder whether the other is in love: the answer is yes. What sometimes fails to show up is their person, who can’t quite own what their heart has already recognized. Unconscious programs may want to run away from love.
We are vibrations, a little like musical notes. When G meets G, it rings true. C and C sharp, it grates. If you’re wondering why you fell in love with him, here is perhaps my simplest answer: because you and he ring true together.
🌊 Dissolving: why love is so frightening
Why am I afraid of being vulnerable in love? Why do I feel insecure when I fall in love? Why do I find it so hard to let myself be loved? Behind these three questions, I see the same mechanism, and it is perfectly logical.
A love relationship means surrendering to the other. And to surrender is the dissolution of the “I”, of the “me”. If I fall in love, it won’t be me anymore; it will be us. And the ego wants none of that. It wants “I, I, I”, “me, me, me”.
So I’ll say it plainly: at first, it’s unpleasant. It means dying while you’re still alive, raw and unprotected. Then, after a few weeks, it gets much better, because there’s no one left to be afraid. What remains is the “us”, and the “us” is happy.
“No love is possible while you are identified with the ego.”
I saw the fear of vulnerability in a man who didn’t dare declare his feelings. If she says “no”, I suffer. And if she says “yes”? Ah, that’s worse: I’ll have to live love day after day, depend on someone, be naked. For the ego, nothing is more horrifying. For being, nothing is more beautiful.
So I put the question another way. What if it were beautiful to be vulnerable in love? What if that is what love is, after all? It asks for courage, selflessness and faith. But if you’re afraid of disappearing in it, I can tell you what I have seen: what disappears is the costume. What loves never dissolves…
💧 Crying, “sadding”, grieving
Why am I angry, and why can’t I fall in love? Beneath the anger, I found a love story twenty years old that had never been grieved. Stories can end. Love itself doesn’t leave. And that is precisely what makes the ending so hard for the person.
So, in a session, the first thing I do is let the tears flow. I suggest saying out loud: I allow myself to cry, I have the right to cry, crying doesn’t make me weak. Someone who cannot cry cannot evolve, and their life doesn’t change.
I even invented a verb for it: to sad. When I am sad, I sad. Because sadness isn’t a flaw; it’s a signal, like hunger. It says: there is a need that isn’t being met. If I don’t live it, I don’t see the need, and I stay hungry without knowing for what…
Why do I say I don’t want a partner, when I’d actually love one? Because there are two voices. The being of love says: I want a beloved. The programs say: it’ll be the same as always, I’m going to suffer. And the person, caught between the two, decides never to suffer again.
It’s a very bad strategy. Pleasure and pain are the same mechanism. Cut off one and you cut off the other: that’s called anesthesia. And besides, what hurts, in truth, isn’t love.
“What makes us suffer is not love at all; it is attachment.”
Even a breakup changes its face when seen from being. When someone leaves a relationship that is damaging them, it is self-love that wins. And every heartbreak has a purpose: to dissolve the ego. I still recommend awakening without heartbreak; it is entirely possible…
“A breakup is really a cry of love.”

💞 Online retreat: Bring a sweetheart into your life
“What keeps repeating in love has a reason, and that reason lies within you.” From Tuesday, December 8 to Friday, December 11, 2026, live with me (in French).
I’d like to discover the retreatOnline and live • 4 days • €495, payable in 1 to 4 installments
The head, the body and the heart
Why can’t I fall in love? When I listen to the person asking this question, I often hear a very fast, very intelligent head that has figured everything out before the body has felt a thing. And that’s where it gets stuck.
“The truth is not in the head.”
The head is perfectly capable of telling stories. The body, on the other hand, cannot invent something that doesn’t exist. I take someone’s hand, and I feel right away whether there’s a spark. I give a hug, and I know whether I’m hooked or want to leave. The body has already answered. Be careful, though: programs can “twist” your stomach and make you feel uneasy…
We have four intelligences: the head, the heart, the emotions and the body. To the woman who had chosen a liar, I showed that she had chosen him with her head alone, without her heart, without her emotions, without her body. Otherwise she would have seen it right away. It’s like driving with three of your four dials switched off…
That’s why I love empaths so much. With an empath, lying is impossible: she knows before the other person has even finished thinking it. If you are sensitive, if you cry easily, it may not be a weakness in love. It may be your discernment, live.
Sometimes it’s the body itself that has been abandoned. I thought being a woman was in the head. It’s in the pelvis, in the legs, in the feet. I cannot love myself if I don’t love my body. So I begin with the same question: how does it feel, in the left foot?
🌱 The inheritance: parents and programs
Why do I believe I have to do something to be loved? I see a childhood run in two modes: what’s good, what’s not good. Do this to get that, and be punished otherwise. Conditional love. And the adult keeps the program: I have to earn love, obey, please.
Why have I struggled to love myself since childhood? Because there was no role model. The parents didn’t talk about love. They didn’t know what it was; they were in survival mode. They did nothing wrong; they did what they could, poor things. And that’s the case for almost everyone.
The “me” was not built by the person: it is an inheritance. I copied Mom, who had copied her mom. And very often I find the same pattern, across generations: the woman gives, the man takes, authority is male. This is not a judgment. It simply keeps repeating as long as nobody sees it.
And then there’s Disney: the princess in her tower, waiting to be rescued. Eight years later, fifteen years later. Except the tower door is open, and there’s even a staircase. Most people believe the problem is other people. After a hundred and fifty lifetimes, everyone ends up seeing that the problem is the “me”. I’m cutting it short, to save you a hundred and fifty lifetimes…
These programs grumble, they doubt, they bring up the last time, they invent voices in the head. One day, I asked a program a question; it answered: I can’t do otherwise, this is what I am. They are just as clever as the person, and for a good reason.
“The programs are you.”
That’s why, at some point, the identity becomes too small. Like a plant whose roots have wound three times around the pot. Like the swimsuit I wore at fourteen: it was perfectly fine, but I’m a bit tight in it now. If you feel cramped in what you believed yourself to be, perhaps it’s simply repotting season…
🔑 Discernment: love is not enough
Why is it so hard for me to end a relationship that hurts me? Because there’s an idealist inside, who believes love can solve everything. It’s a beautiful belief. And it causes a great deal of suffering. I’ll say it as I said it in the session: love is not stronger than everything.
There are two levels. In the absolute, love is eternal, unbreakable: even after a separation, it doesn’t move an inch. In the relative, to live as a couple, you also need bodies that love each other, emotional stability and personalities that get along. You need all of it. If one piece is missing, it ends sooner or later.
I’ve tried every combination in thirty years of life as part of a couple: heart only, body only, heart and body. There was always love, and it wasn’t enough. That’s why I put discernment before surrender, not after. I check who the other person is, then I surrender.
My simplest guide: flow. In a relationship from being to being, things flow. As soon as there’s a lot of “I” and “me”, there’s constant negotiating, arguing, holding back. I don’t even need to understand why.
“Either it flows or it doesn’t. It’s that simple.”
Another guide: someone who loves doesn’t criticize day in, day out. Believing the other criticizes me for my own good is false. Repeated criticism is a grab for power. Likewise, jealousy comes from insecurity, and it’s a deal-breaker. Someone who feels secure thinks instead: I love her so much that she absolutely must be as free as I am.

💞 Online retreat: Bring a sweetheart into your life
“What keeps repeating in love has a reason, and that reason lies within you.” From Tuesday, December 8 to Friday, December 11, 2026, live with me (in French).
I’d like to discover the retreatOnline and live • 4 days • €495, payable in 1 to 4 installments
🌻 What is a sweetheart for?
I asked this question live and, for a quarter of an hour, nobody got it. A sweetheart is for sharing? For keeping me company? For going out, for talking? No. For all that, a dog will do, and it’s less of a commitment.
“A sweetheart’s job is to be in love with you, obviously.”
Yes, it’s obvious, and yet almost everyone leaves it out of their definition. He’s handsome, he’s tall, he’s caring, he has a big heart… and that he be in love with me? Ah, that was the essential part. And that I be in love with him, at least as much. Until you have both, you have nothing.
Why do I need love? Because I am love. A human being needs affection and tenderness, like every animal. It isn’t a weakness; it’s natural. And I’ll make a confession: the further I go toward being, the more this need grows. It’s going to get worse and worse…
And yet many people live with someone who no longer meets this minimum need, and they stay. I spent thirty-five years in couples before meeting someone who loves me as much as my sweetheart today. The others loved me as much as they could, but they couldn’t do much. So the minimum, for a sacred woman, is a man in love who surrenders to her. Not the maximum: the minimum.
And how do I know he loves me? There is no love, there are only proofs of love. A glance, a touch, a little note in the evening, an “I love you” written out in full. And above all: he tells me everything, even what I won’t like. To tell the other everything takes so much love that there’s no room left for fear…
🦋 Waiting, or going out to find
I’m still waiting for my beloved. At that word alone, I said: pause. Who is waiting? It isn’t being; it’s the person, waiting like a baby bird with its beak wide open for love to drop into it. And crying out with hunger.
“Life isn’t about waiting. Life is being, existing, creating your reality.”
Meeting someone is like making a ratatouille. You have to go to the market and buy the tomatoes, the zucchini, the onions. So: where am I going to go to find a sweetheart? What am I actually doing to find one? And have I defined what I want? Otherwise nothing happens, and that’s normal.
Defining isn’t setting a vague intention. “I’d like a man”: the universe will send me tons who don’t fit. I describe precisely what I want and what I no longer want. Because the universe is me: if I don’t define it, nobody will do it for me.
Then I go out, to the places where people seeking what I’m seeking go: meditation, yoga, places where the ego keeps a low profile. And I practice talking to every stranger, with nothing at stake. That way, the day the gorgeous guy shows up, I’ll chat with him about the weather as I’ve already done a hundred and fifty times. And in my voice, he’ll hear my gentleness.
And the most spiritual trap of all: waiting to love yourself before you love. If you had to love yourself first, everyone would be single. Love lands on you like a brick on the head: bam, I didn’t love myself, but I’m in love. And it’s the love you receive that teaches you to love yourself, not the other way around.
💗 Vibrating what I want to receive
Why don’t I have love? Why do I wait for love to come from outside? Because I believe the world is outside of me. There is no outside. I create my reality from the inside out, like a three-dimensional hologram. This is the heart of what I call the Theory of the Creation of Reality, the TCR.
Careful, this isn’t about attracting. The law of attraction is nonsense. From being, there is nothing to attract, since I am everything. It is a law of creation: I create according to what I vibrate.
“You are not here to wait; you are here to create.”
If I vibrate as the woman who backs away and panics at the first glance, I create that. If I vibrate as the submissive woman, I create a man who wants to dominate. If I vibrate as the sacred woman, sovereign and radiant, I create a man who is drawn to that. And if I vibrate young, I create a young sweetheart, whatever age my ID card says.
Before all of this, there is a seed. I imagine my beloved already here, in my heart; as long as I can’t imagine him, I can’t create him. And I give life what I want to receive: if I want tenderness, I give tenderness. That’s why, when someone is in love, everyone falls in love with them. It isn’t strange; it’s a frequency…
🌳 The “us”: living as two
Why am I afraid the intensity will fade if we live together? In my eyes, the love story begins when the lovers live together. When I’m in love, parting from the other in the evening is too hard. So we no longer leave each other’s side.
“For me, life as a couple only begins to exist when you are physically together, under the same roof. Otherwise, it’s just preparations.”
A couple is the creation of an “us”. It isn’t two “I”s side by side: it’s when there is no more “I”. The “us” decides everything: where we live, what we eat tonight, where we go on vacation. Like a company with two partners, where unanimity is required.
At the start, I recommend getting straight to the point: raise the touchy subjects as early as possible, share my vision of the couple, my needs, everything. Then climb the staircase together, at the other’s pace. If the other can’t go beyond the fourth floor, I stay on the fourth floor with him. And when he’s ready, we go up to the fifth.
Does love fade with everyday life? Not in my experience. Life brings trials, and if the pair survives, love grows. A couple is a team. Being two means dying to yourself at least once a month…
There remains the subtlest fear, that of a very happy woman: if I love him even more, I’ll suffer more if he leaves. So she held back. And it’s precisely this holding back that paves the way for the breakup. Whereas if I surrender completely, the other thinks: no one has ever loved me like this. He loves himself more, so he loves me more. It’s the figure eight of infinity, where the couple heals itself.
“The heart says: I have nothing to lose. The ego says: I have everything to lose.”
🕊️ From fog to clarity
This is what these fifty-four sessions have shown me. Each time, the question looked toward the other person, the past, age, bad luck. Each time, the answer was inside. It is always a lack of love, and it is always a story between oneself and oneself…
And each time, the same process: as soon as someone moves from the head to the heart, it becomes clear. From fog to clarity. If one of these questions is yours, I don’t claim to know what you are going through. But perhaps it has shifted a little, just by reading this.
So my only invitation is a question, the one I ask at the start of every session. What would you like in your life that isn’t there? And what if something in you were already saying yes?…
And as at the end of every session: I love you, I love you, I love you.

💞 Online retreat: Bring a sweetheart into your life
“What keeps repeating in love has a reason, and that reason lies within you.” From Tuesday, December 8 to Friday, December 11, 2026, live with me (in French).
I’d like to discover the retreatOnline and live • 4 days • €495, payable in 1 to 4 installments
🎬 The 54 videos (in French)
- Why do I find it hard to let myself be loved?
- Why can’t I start a new love relationship?
- Why can’t I find love, a partner who truly suits me?
- Why do I find it hard to let myself be loved?
- Why am I on my guard when dating?
- Why am I stuck in love?
- Why do I need love?
- Why haven’t I found true love?
- Why is there no beloved in my life?
- Why do I feel that being love isn’t enough?
- Why can’t I be in love, and why am I angry?
- Why is it so hard for me to end a love relationship?
- Why do I think I don’t need to go looking in order to meet love?
- Why did I feel I was being held in my brother’s arms when it was my beloved holding me?
- Why do I feel insecure when I fall in love?
- Why do I find it hard to surrender to love with my sweetheart?
- Why do I believe I have to do something to be accepted and loved?
- Why can’t I open up to love?
- Why do I find it hard to commit in love?
- Why did I manifest an impossible love story?
- Why am I afraid of being vulnerable in love?
- Why do I find it hard to fall in love?
- Why have I struggled to love myself since childhood?
- Why can’t I meet a true life partner after so many years alone?
- Why do I struggle to love myself?
- Why have I never really fallen in love?
- Why can’t I live love as a couple?
- Why do I feel drained when I make love with a woman?
- Why have I struggled to experience love all my life?
- Why am I afraid the intensity of my love will fade if I move in with my sweetheart?
- Why am I afraid to let the love and energy within me burst forth?
- Why is there a lack of flow in my love relationship?
- Why do I find it hard to fully live love with a man?
- Why do I have programs that keep me from being in a couple when I’d love to have a beloved?
- Why don’t I have love?
- Why do I stop myself from loving myself?
- Why can’t I meet people and have a loving partner?
- Why am I afraid of love?
- Why do I need attention and love?
- Why do I feel romantic jealousy inside me?
- Why am I running away from love?
- Why can’t I meet love?
- Why do I flee from love?
- Why can’t I have a beloved?
- Why do I find it hard to love again and to trust?
- Why do I find it hard to love myself and to know who I really am?
- Why do I look for a man to fill a void rather than out of romantic passion?
- Why do I keep waiting for a beloved instead of going toward him?
- Why do I wait for love to be given to me from outside, instead of creating it myself?
- Why do I always sacrifice myself for others instead of loving myself?
- Why do I find it hard to let go of a relationship that’s over so I can move on?
- Why do I find it hard to savor my relationship with my beloved, to be fully present?
- Why do I always say I don’t want a partner when I’d actually love one?
- Why don’t I have a sweetheart?
This article was originally written in French: 54 questions sur l’amour avec Alexandre Anatman












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